hey havent visited you in a while
a lot has happened since den
i've been thinking the friends i've made since den, the friends i've lost since den, but no one has been ther 2 hear me out. I feel lost. Whenever i want 2 open up my feelings everyone says its not the right time. When is the right time? Why is it always not the right time for me? Maybe some people are born lucky and maybe i'm lucky 2 be born. I've been holding in my feelings since 2008 Sec 1 Orientation planning, is it not natural to explode once in a while?
I just want someone 2 hear me out but they all say its not the right time. Are my friends worth my time? Have i sacrificed the wrong things for them? Are they there for me? I feel left out and alone. I've seen them break down and telling whats bothering them but not to me. I'm willing to listen but they are not willing 2 share it with me. Why? Am i not trustworthy? Am i a deaf person? Is my cry for help falling on deaf ears?
Sunday, visit to old folks sports day. Worked with people i did not know yet. Accompanied someone who wasn't part of the council group but i didn't see that someone else was in need of a friend. On the bus, sat next to that person who wasn't part of the group. I looked back, that person was sitting alone. I felt guilty that i didn't offer help to people that needed it. Alighted at cwp 4 pizza, that person who wasn't part of the group went off. I made it a point to get to know that person, but was it worth it? In the long run, has that person taken me forgranted?
TASAD, Teachers and Staff Appreciation Day, was fun. But why did i join TASAD in the 1st place? Was it worth it? I probably sucked. One of the greatest dissapointments ever.
During the september holidays, i've spent time with some people, especially at RP. There's no doubt i've enjoyed myself there. I treasure the time there. But now, where has it all gone? Have i been forgotten? Do people move on finding others? Making friends like putting on a new set of clothes everyday? Have i joined the wrong group of people during this time?
OCIP, LifeSkills, My team, people who i barely knew. I probably sucked again. I know my strengths which is working well with people i know. Execution, I probably sucked even more.
I've spent time with my family and bros in this period of time and i feel its so much more rewarding to be with them then with my new friends. Moreover, i've lost my position as St. Anthony AV Chairperson 2010. When do AV Chairpersons step down? When they feel like it. When do i step down as Head of Students Welfare? Approx. 2010 July?
Why do i say these things feel more rewarding for me? As a friend, is it so hard to wait 3mins for me to put a key and come back and walk out the school gate together? I understand that people have other things, but i don't understand why? Am i not important? Am i insignificant? Am i not worthy? Maybe yes.
Perhaps i expect others to change for me when i have not even change myself for them. But i really feel that i have changed. Perhaps not for the things that are rewarding. There are things that are rewarding though. These things i can never forget. My giant b-day card. Its the only B-Day card i have ever recieved. But are those words meaningless? Will it carry on for a lifetime? Whenever i feel down, i take it out and those words i got from my camps which we wrote. I console myself in that. But the words do not change. They remain the same. Have i become someone who loathes humanity?
After seeing countless people break down, some wise and some cheerful, i sometimes feel like saying," SHUT UP! Its not like i don't have my own problems, are my problems not as important as yours?". And when people are laughing in troubled times," Are you too foolish to see the troubles of this world or are you wise enough to see that troubles are part of life?"
People speak of life as though they know everything about it, for me, life is like a dark tunnel, you don't know where you are going or anything about it but if you just keep pressing on... ... you will come to a better place. But now i'm wondering when will i reach the better place? What have i really achieved in life? i personally feel that i have achieved nothing. Some people may say stop wollowing in my self-pity and just move on. Maybe they're right.
My good friend who i look up to as an older brother says that i should do more thinking before i ramble on about this. He says he understands, but is that really true? Maybe. There are so many people wiser than me, maybe i should think about this.
1. Trust
Maybe i don't trust in my friends enough that why i feel lonesome. The best way to have your friends trust in you is to trust in them first.
2. Understanding
No one has really shared their emotions in me. And whenever a friend comes to me with it, i feel that i have failed. All violence is caused by misunderstandings.
3. Love
Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8). Maybe i haven't shown people that i truly care for them. Or maybe i do not love them at all? Or i do not know what is love.

I'm speechless now, i don't know what else to say. Sorry 4 all those who i have shot here. But sorry, Jeremy, for troubling you so much. Sorry, YiYun, for taking my anger out on you whenever i'm angry, maybe not verbally but coldly. Sorry, Sufyan, i can't help you much. Sorry, whoever i may have hurt.

Now all i ask is please listen to this. I wrote all of this while listening to this. If its ok, i ask u 2 read it again, this time with the song playing, if it stops half-way just play it again. Thank You.


I think thats all. I've poured my heart out over this 2 hrs.